blue - heaven
by renegadesWrath
Summary: A little something based off the namesake songs by Troye Sivan. Might be expanded later.
"Please, I can't take you leaving anymore," he sobbed. "Don't do this."

You could only stare at the space behind his head, unable to look him in the eye. You knew if you did, you'd break.

You can't have that.

"I'm sorry, Tooru, but I... I have to." You said, voice void of emotion.

The look on his face only served to fill you with even more guilt. As if you needed any more of _that_.

"Tooru, please don't look at me like that. You know this is what I have to do." You pleaded.

You finally mustered up enough courage to look him in the eye, and what you saw broke your heart.

There, mirrored in his eyes, was the very definition of heartbreak.

You barely kept back a sob.

Some people say devastation is beauty in its purest form, and you were beginning to believe them.

Put aside the fact that you were sickeningly sadistic, you marveled at the pure emotion in his eyes.

It was a beautiful day. Sunlight streamed through the translucent curtains, making Oikawa look even more ethereal than usual. Specks of dust floated through the air, carefree, knowing your decision would never ever affect them. You wished it were the same with him. The soft golden lighting spread over half of him gave an air of purity and fragility. To you, it symbolized the hope he had of stopping you from leaving him again. The shadows draped over the rest of him that were just out of the sun's reach, showing the hopelessness he strived to be rid of, because deep down he knew that despite all his efforts you were going to leave anyway. He held on fast to the hope that he could convince you to stay this time.

His eyes displayed a thunderstorm of pure intense emotion. Tides rose and fell, waves leaking out of the picturesque landscape, trickling down the plane of his pale skin in rivulets. The intensity struck you hard. All the words he couldn't find to appropriately describe to you just how much he needed you to stay were on full display. His eyes shouted his need for you, screamed the amount of love he had for you, cried out for you to _just stay_.

He was breathtaking.

An angel you've broken yet again.

Just one word from him, and it tore straight through your heart. His voice broke in all the right (or was it wrong?) places. You could feel both your hearts shattering, sprinkling down into the abyss, forever irretrievable.

 _"Please."_

You knew all you had to do was to stay. All you had to do to reverse both your heartbreaks, allow your decision to put all the pieces back into place, was to just stay. It seemed so easy, but you knew better.

You held your face in your hands and let out an exasperated groan. "Why do you have to make this so hard? I-."

"You wanna know why I'm making this so hard?" He yelled. "It's because I love you too much to let you go! I'm selfish, okay?! For fuck's sake, my only reason is because _I love you!_ "

You stopped dead.

 _The truth runs wild, like a tear down a cheek._

"And you know, I've never heard you say it back." His voice broke towards the end, a fresh bout of tears rising. "You never say it back."

He sniffed. You thought you had, but in retrospect, you really hadn't.

"So tell me this," he pointed at you in accusation, "do you really love me? _Do you?_ "

Not this. No, no please no _anything but this please Tooru I can't-_

"Or do you really despise me that much to lead me on, only to break my heart again and _again and again-!_ " He broke.

Your entire body ached to comfort him, to stay and reassure your love for him, because fuck knows you're so very much in love with this idiot.

But you were scared. Terrified, in fact. You knew you were only ever capable of hurting him; that's all you knew. You were afraid that all your efforts would only serve to inflict more pain on him.

You didn't know when you'd started crying.

"At least," he whispered, "at least tell me this."

"What?"

 _Without losing a part of me, how do I get to heaven?_

"You'll come back to me right?"

"Of course, Tooru. I'll _always_ come back to you." You reassured.

"Then why won't you tell me you love me?" He whimpered.

His words made you flinch. It was like he had physically hit you. Might've been better if he did, you think. "I..." you started, "I don't know."

Your tone was too matter-of-fact for him apparently.

"What do you _mean_ you don't _know_?!" He shrieked. "How can you not _know_?!"

 _Without changing a part of me, how do I get to heaven?_

"I..." you mumbled. "I don't know. Truly."

"You're unbelievable." He muttered disdainfully.

"You know what? Fine! Leave! I don't care anymore. All you ever do is push everyone who tries to help away. This is what you wanted, wasn't it? You're so fucked up. You _want_ people to reject you. For what? So that it makes it easier for you to leave them all behind?" He scoffed bitterly. "And I thought _I_ was fucked up."

Tears welled up in your eyes. It was all true. What could you do about it?

Absolutely nothing, in your experience.

His words were like a raging hurricane, insults being picked up and launched at you at incredible speeds. All of them true, which hurts a lot worse.

All you could do was just leave. So, you picked up your pieces, put them together as best you can, like you've always done for as long as you remember, and turned to walk out the door.

At least you still had the energy to keep yourself together long enough to walk out the door.

Until...

"Just tell me why."

You turned to face a defiant Oikawa Tooru, demanding answers.

Answers you couldn't give to him. Answers you couldn't give anyone, really.

His defiance filled you with an exasperated sort of anger.

"I don't _know_! You think I know why?! I don't! I really don't, and I wish I did, I really do, but I just don't fucking know _why_ I'm so sad all the time! I don't know why I keep pushing people away even though I know they're trying to help! Yes, I am fucked up! I'm so fucked up I don't have a fucking clue where to _begin_ to fix myself. I've fucked up so many times, Tooru! I fucked up with my friends, my family, and I fucked up with _you!_ All I know is to run away, and I've been doing it for so long I don't know how to stop. I can't even bring myself to tell you I love you, when I do, I really, really do. I don't know why it's so fucking hard for me to accept help, or seek for it, or tell the people I love that I love them. I don't fucking know why I hate it when people tell me that they love me! I don't know why I can't seem to fucking _feel_ anymore. I'm so empty. I don't know why it makes me want to scream and my skin crawl and my stomach turn when I think about it. I've been broken for so _long_ , Tooru. All I do is hurt people, I'm no good for anyone. Especially _you._ " Your voice broke halfway through, and now you were just openly sobbing. "I don't deserve to be loved."

His face softened.

"When I look at you, Tooru, you know what I see?" You softly asked.

He shook his head.

"I see a canvas. A canvas completely filled with space and the stars and the galaxies. I no longer have to look up to see space. All I have to do is look at you, and it's like I'm in space. I see an angel formed from starlight and nebulae, pure and magical. Whenever I look at you, and you're brimming with emotion, it's like you're time and space and everything in between. It's like you were formed from the words of brilliant poets describing the most beautiful thing they've seen. You're space and stars and beauty, Tooru. But I... I'm just an insignificant speck. Or, a void, blemishing your beauty. I'm not worth your heartache."

You looked up, and you could see he was holding back tears. He kneeled down and gathered you in his arms. You just sat there and cried one of those soul-relieving cries, one that's been waiting for years to escape.

"Please know that I do love you, Tooru. I love you with all my heart and soul, and I don't want to hurt you. That's why I leave. I can't take hurting you. I've done that too much."

"Stay."

You looked at him.

"Whenever you leave, you always take a piece of me away. I try so hard to keep it, but soon I realized my efforts were futile. Maybe I don't want heaven, but I know I want you. So please," he looked at you tearfully. "stay."

You nodded.

His laugh came out sounding like a sob, wet yet full of relief. "I'm not me without you. I promise that we'll get through this together."

You vigorously nodded and hugged him hard, burying your face into the crook of his neck. "Thank you."

He chuckled wetly. "Anything for you."


End file.
